I’ve had sincere conversations with men who disagree with the proposals I outlined to Correct for the Vulnerability of Stay-at-Home Moms, including one who admitted out loud on Linkedin that he believes there’s
“Nothing wrong with a man having that kind of power and control. If he abuses it, it’s a failure of his, not a failure of the concept of a stay at home mom.”
I’m not saying the failure is with that concept either. Children benefit from having a caregiver whose main focus is their healthy development, and households are chaos without a manager. It’s a beautiful choice when someone wants to be the one to fill these roles for their own family.
Not every woman feels called to it, but I believe we should support those who do.
Not just in words. Structurally.
And that’s where the failure is.
The existing structure does not support the choice for women to stay home.
The structure insists we pretend their work isn’t really valuable in terms of either money or experience that counts on a resume.
The structure allows women who make that choice to become vulnerable, dependent on their husband choosing to treat her needs as equal to his, rather than being expected to.
But when I suggest fixing the structure by neutralizing the power at home and at work, some men panic.
What are they so afraid of? What is the threat?
This fear can stem from a few different places:
Some struggle with the change. Most humans are resistant to change, even if we can see how it benefits us, and a wife having equal power (and thus equal say) is a new and different concept to many.
Some men have simply never experienced NOT having all or most of the power in any situation, and honestly can’t conceive of what an equal partnership would look like. (As one told me, “That whole ‘equal partners’ thing is a bunch of malarky. You can't have two people driving the bus!” )
Some men are legitimately worried their wives wouldn’t do all the work they do if they had other viable options. (See the time when my HR leader started worrying about the societal collapse that would happen if all the moms decided to quit — revealing the fear that set in when I suggested a woman’s experience as Primary Caregiver could land her a corporate role making as much or more than her husband.)
Some worry giving her equal access to resources diminishes his ability to lead, provide, and protect, as if him fulfilling these roles requires her to have no other options.
Some believe they’re actually entitled to more of the power, citing that their work is more important, or that it requires more skill, or commands more in the market.
All of these are natural, even expected considering the experiences society has given them. We don’t blame them.
In fact, scratching below the surface on some of these, we find the men actually need to believe their work is more important because they lack a sense of their own value. Many believe they aren’t worth anything to the relationship if they don’t make the majority of the money—and control most of the resources. They often feel quite alone in their relationship.
I coach vulnerable women in high-control relationships to become empowered, advocate for themselves, and create a more balanced relationship.
I also coach the men on the other side of it.
It takes a lot of bravery to acknowledge the painful thoughts hiding under all the control. But doing so enables them to recover their self-worth, and opens the door to their own empowerment. When both parties do this work, they are often able to heal and grow their relationship into something that feels closer and more fulfilling.
Coaching supports people who want to change. It can be a complement, but is never a substitute for therapy or other intervention where there’s abuse, mental health, or safety concerns.