Helping her fix (or leave) her high-control marriage.
Sariah’s House
You want to help her . . .
but her situation seems impossible to you, too.
I know this feeling well. I coach women in this specific situation. I’m here to tell you it is possible, and there are some clear next steps.
I have been working with women experiencing this crisis for over 30 years. I built this page to help you understand exactly what she needs to change her situation.
Below, you will learn:
Why your support must be unconditional
Why her relationship will likely get worse after this, not better
Why she is in this position
What she needs to fix it
Additionally, my free guide, “When you’re finally, really, ready to leave” is written directly to her. I share the most critical information to have before she makes any moves.
Please download and share it with her discreetly, or take the information and communicate it with her directly. Be careful not to send it where her husband could find it. Keep in mind, her situation could always be more dangerous than she lets on.
What to do when a stay-at-home mom confides in you that her relationship is unhealthy, and she needs to leave, but she doesn’t have anywhere to go
Download and share the free, critical guide for moms:
When you’re finally, really, ready to leave
What a Stay-at-Home Mom in a high control marriage absolutely must know before telling her husband she wants a divorce.
Your support must be unconditional.
When she tells you she’s leaving him . . .
When she confides all the details of the terrible things he’s done, no matter how bad they are, no matter how sure she is that she’s really leaving him this time,
Tell her you will support her no matter what.
It takes an average of seven times for someone to actually leave an abusive partner.
He might fight for her. Tell her everything she’s been wanting to hear. He might threaten her. Blackmail her. Make her too afraid to leave. There’s a good chance he’ll do some confusing combination of those things. The more toxic he is, the harder it is to leave.
And yet, the moment she goes back is the moment she needs her support system behind her more than ever. If she confides the worst of it to you in a moment of desperation, or resolve to leave, but then makes the decision to give him another chance, she might pull away from you out of embarrassment, or fear of your judgment.
Get ahead of that. Show her up front that you understand how this goes, how complex relationships are. Tell her that above all, you trust her to make the right decision for herself and her kids. Because ultimately, it has to be her decision, and she has to learn to trust herself.
Your job is to communicate your trust in her.
“I hear you. You need to leave him. I believe you. I support you and I’m here for you.
AND,
Just in case you ever change our mind—
and I know right now it feels like you absolutely will not.
But just in case something changes . . .
A miracle happens and he sees the light. Agrees to therapy. Promises things will be different . . . Whatever wild thing might happen that could possibly lead you to decide to give him another chance—
I will still be here for you.
Just like this.
I’ll believe you.
I trust you.
I will always support you in your choice.”
Why it gets worse, not better
There cycle of abuse that causes things to escalate after the vulnerable partner tries to leave.
It’s usually some significant event that causes that partner to decide the line has been crossed and they need to get divorced.
But then the controlling partner turns over a new leaf and convinces her to give him another chance. At that point, he becomes very sweet and wonderful for a time, but he will gradually fall back into old ways until the belligerent, impossible version of him is back and she’s left completely bewildered at his dramatic flip-flopping.
She will try everything she can think of to get him back to the loving, helpful version she saw during the “honeymoon” part of the cycle. But she’ll find that the only thing that will “work” to get him back there is another dramatic incident.
However, he learned something from the last time: Whatever he did then—however bad he made things for her before she finally drew a line—
He now knows that’s not really her line.
Because he was allowed to come back from it last time.
So he will likely take it further next time.
Each time she reaches the point where she tells him it’s over, but then he’s able to work his way back, he learns he can get away with more—so he does more.
I’m not saying it’s intentional. It’s just what happens.
Why she is in this position
Some men feel no obligation to meet their wife’s needs. If they make most of the money, they often don’t have to.
A woman’s feelings, fears, interests, and inspirations should hold just as much weight as her husband’s. Yet, there is a deep societal programming for women to be accommodating.
Wives are admonished to avoid complaining—to trust, wait, let him lead.
To be long-suffering and patient.
Couple these cultural expectations with the greater financial access men often hold in these marriages, and you have the recipe for a high-control marriage.
It’s not healthy for anyone, especially the children, and even when the women in these situations can see the problem, they don’t know how to change it. The power imbalance is built into the structure of the relationship.
You have a friend, sister, daughter, or neighbor who is experiencing this type of relationship with a particularly entitled, unsympathetic, or controlling man.
Even when there is no physical violence, the children witness their mom either quietly keep her needs to herself, or boldly express them—only to be told she is causing contention in the home.
Modeling a healthy partnership is impossible under this structure. But the only other option looks to her like choosing to disrupt her children’s lives and give them a lower standard of living, all because she wasn’t patient and accommodating enough.
How to fix it
We have to balance the power.
It’s not simple, but it always starts with empowering her:
First, she has to believe her feelings matter just a much as her husband’s, and that she isn’t in the wrong for expecting him to act as though they do.
Second, she has to believe she and her children will be taken care of no matter what, even if he is the breadwinner.
This usually means she has somewhere to go, and people to support her during the transition.
Often, this knowledge is enough to balance the power in her relationship. Sometimes, just knowing that she isn’t dependent on him is all she needs to begin creating a healthy marriage on more equal footing.
This is Sariah’s House. A network helping stay-at-home moms know they have a place to go, so their husbands can’t hold their survival over their heads to keep them under control.
Join the network
Become a support for women experiencing this crisis. Enter your email below and I’ll send you my free guide—the most important thing to communicate to a woman who’s ready to leave. I will also keep you updated on future opportunities to support the cause.
When you’re finally, really, ready to leave
What a Stay-at-Home Mom in a high control marriage absolutely must know before telling her husband she wants a divorce.
Disclaimers
Sariah’s House is a a support network for stay-at-home moms in high-control marriages to receive support and resources that empower them to fix or leave their relationship.
I am a Certified Professional Coach. I am not a therapist, counselor, licensed social worker, or domestic violence professional. Nothing on this website is therapy, legal advice, or crisis intervention—it is coaching content and personal perspective. Coaching is not a substitute for therapy. If someone is in immediate danger, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (call or text), or text START to 88788. They are confidential, available 24/7, and have resources specific to your situation.
I use gendered terms and pronouns for simplicity, and refer to women as the partner needing help because our society is set up such that they are often the more vulnerable partner in a toxic relationship, However, control and abuse happen to people of all genders, in all relationship types. Please don’t let the stereotype that this only happens to women in hetero relationship keep you from helping someone in need.
Why I coach
Years ago, as a birth doula, I absolutely loved helping people clarify their vision and values and then turn inward and trust themselves — during one of life’s most intense milestones.
That purpose and presence also guided my parenting, my primary work and focus for many years.
And when I stepped into leadership roles in tech, those same instincts shaped my management style.
No matter my role, my most fulfilling moments have always been watching people delight in their own transformation and success.
I feel so grateful and honored to do the work I love.
What People Are Saying
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![Carolyn Nelson]()
“Yoga with Kate has taught me how much I NEED YOGA! Her gentle way of teaching and allowing us to be where we are, with no judgment or shame if we don’t keep up with the rest of the class. It is helping me learn to focus on my breathing, which is a challenge for me. I’ve also learned what poses really make a difference for me. I would follow Kate anywhere."
Carolyn Nelson
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![Lan Stuy]()
"Go to Kate’s Yoga class really is something I am looking for to do when I am wake up in the morning, it’s my happy place that I find myself with peaceful, relaxing and joyful in Kate’s Yoga class, and I have learned so much from Kate! Kate is the best very thoughtful, focused and conscientiously, she really is the best Yoga coach I ever have."
Lan Stuy
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![Suzanne Nelson]()
"I learned from your yoga class to embrace being human and that yoga can be a break from mental chatter, a chance to slow down and be calm."
Suzanne Richards
