I started Sariah’s House, a network for stay-at-home moms in high-control marriages. We provide resources for the women who know their relationship is toxic, but have nowhere to go.
On Kate’s Takes, we often explore what leads to women getting in this position. I teach what we can do to help them most. I show examples of how we are reinforcing these messages with our corporate policies.
Today, I use an example from The Book of Mormon, and its influence on my upbringing, to illustrate the deep societal expectations underpinning high-control marriages. I want to clarify that I am so grateful for my upbringing, which taught me to have strong values and integrity.
The problems I point to here are not unique to any specific church or belief system. All belief systems exist inside, and are simply a reflection and magnification of, what we see in the broader society.
There are three women mentioned by name in the Book of Mormon, which might represent three archetypes for women in our society. We have:
Isabel, the harlot
Abish, the humble servant
Sariah, the wife of the prophet
Sariah is known for complaining against her husband.
The moral of her story is to trust and obey the prophet. But deeper than that, Sariah’s story serves to remind women not to question their husbands. To put aside their own feelings, needs, and desires in favor of his.
Sariah’s husband, Lehi, said he received his direction from God, but Sariah sometimes had her doubts. Particularly, when he told her God told him to take their family away from their homeland and comfortable life in the city—and go wander in the desert.
For what ended up being eight years.
At one point, it appeared some of their children died out there, and naturally, Sariah was upset about this, but expressing concerns was considered “murmuring against the prophet,” a very bad sin.
Sariah’s story becomes the proverbial tale of the doubting wife who eventually repents and learns to trust her husband’s revelation over her own instincts.
“And my father dwelt in a tent.” - 1 Nephi 2:15
Growing up, we loved to call upon this Book of Mormon verse when asked to recite a favorite scripture because it was short and seemingly shallow. As adults, we discussed it as a lesson on humility, sacrifice, and obedience to God. The verse showed that Lehi was willing to do whatever God asked of him—
Up to and including giving up all your worldly possessions and camping with your family in the wilderness for the better part of a decade.
And I’m not saying humility and sacrifice and even obedience aren’t valuable lessons. (Although I definitely have my qualms.)
I’m just saying, as an adult, Sariah can decide for herself if she wants to learn those lessons, in that way. She has her own access to God.
I’m saying her voice matters.
A woman’s feelings, fears, interests, and inspirations should hold just as much weight as her husband’s.
Unfortunately, some women’s needs are routinely ignored or rejected under the direction of teachings like this. And these teachings are not exclusive to The Book of Mormon, Christianity, or even religion.
There is a deep societal programming and expectation for women to be accommodating. Wives are admonished to avoid complaining—to trust, wait, let him lead. To be long-suffering and patient.
Couple these cultural expectations with the greater financial access men often hold in these marriages, and you have the recipe for a high-control marriage. It’s not healthy for anyone, especially the children, and even when the women in these situations can see the problem, they don’t know how to change it. The power imbalance is built into the structure of the relationship.
You have a friend, sister, daughter, or community member who is experiencing this type of relationship with a particularly entitled, unsympathetic, or controlling man.
Even when there is no physical violence, the children witness their mom either quietly keep her needs to herself, or boldly express them—only to be told she is causing contention in the home. Modeling a healthy partnership is impossible under this structure.
Sariah’s House is a resource to help stay-at-home moms know they have a place to go, so their husbands can’t hold their survival over their heads to keep them under control.